Total Detox

My heart is getting so heavy, like a stone in my chest, i feel more and more numb all the time. Im struggling to hide my pain, my longing... Everyone thought i was love sick so i faked a cure, my shield to the world. I can't maintain it, to do so is killing me, turning my heart into a prison has turned me into a monster. I fear i wont be able to feel anything, and yet i still feel everything... Locking it away dosent stop it, it just holds it, and now i can't even say it.. how do i tell something ive tried to hard to hide, have i hidden it? Or has everyone just been playing along, who knows. All i know is, i still feel the same.. I don't know what i should do with these feelings, should i keep them hidden, or tell him?, Will it change anything if i do? Will i win back his heart if i fight for it? Or will it only serve to push him away... Ive tried before but it didnt work... is this time different? Can i be brave enough to risk it? Does he treat me so badly at times because he still has feelings for me, or is it just because I still have feelings for him?... I wish i had the answers, then i might know what to do :/

G.P's (General Pricktitioners)

Shitty doctors... (No, not the daytime telle drama on channel 4), doctors that go by the name of G.P.
They are utterly useless, well at least mine is. I honestly do not know how that woman can pretend she is a certified medical practitioner. It's a joke, it's baring on almost human rights violations!.

So heres the story right, Yesterday i developed a severe pain in my chest, it happened whenever i moved or went to breathe and as the night went on it seemed to get worse, so me freaking out 'naturally' almost got my friend to take me to A and E as... i couldnt breathe folks *scary*.

Eventually, after a giant spoonful of benilyn and two neurofen, i calmed down and went to sleep. When i woke up breathless this morning with an agonising pain in my to my left side i decided to skip the pill popping and go into see my doctor. Now im really pissed off, because..

One:
Even though my appointment was at 1 it took nearly an hour for my doctor to get round to seeing me.

Two:
Upon walking into her office (at 2 ¬¬) she instantly hits me with, 'Have you been feeling depressed or down lately', i hadnt even said anything. This really enfuriates me because im actually a quite happy person, but my doctor seems to think im, whats the term?.. 'off the rails'.

After cleverly sussing out im not depressed, i told her my symptoms, or at least i did as best i could with her constant interuptions of no relivence, 'Ive got a sharp constant pain in my chest and', "Do your hands hurt?" '...no', you get the idea. She's also a sadist or something because as soon as i told her i found it painful to breathe, she instantly grabs a stethoscope and tells me to lift up my shirt and inhale... deeply.

I am really considering getting a new doctor, but their all the same. General practitioners, HA your joking.

My Shields

Have you ever felt truely alone? It's not the greatest of feelings, and for a long time, it didnt bother me. Ive always been alone, no brothers or sisters to idolise, or envy. Nothing like that. I mean sure ive got my friends, and their the best friends in the world. Even so, they still can't keep me company all the time. Sometimes, most times, I am alone. I suppose im used to it, and i suppose im not as emotionally open as other people because of that.

Never having someone to tell your sorrows to, you get used to keeping them inside. As a result, im afraid of showing my feelings... my fears, hopes, even my dreams. It's not that i dont trust the people i would tell them too... It's more i dont know how to tell them. There my secrets, and you dont need to tell yourself them do you, you just know. But nobody else knows, to others im always fine, im always cheery. You'd be surpirsed what a smile can cover.

Im lonely, and i want someone to hold me, to care for me... I want to know someone is thinking about me, missing me. But i just can't see it. I can't feel it anymore. The world just seems empty and cold.
What i would give to express myself propperly...
For someone to understand what its like to feel forgotten.

Splinters

I can't help but feel like theres something, missing. Ive been thinking alot and somethings... not right. There's a hole in my heart, and no amount of fun, money, time spent at work, with friends, etc, can fill it. It's always there, an echo of a distant past, like a splinter in my mind.

Im not sure what to do anymore about it, ive tried ignoring it and being at work or with my friends helps, but its still there.
What is this lingering darkness? This missing light...

Calling all corpses...

So, yesterday i started my job at Vue. Rather over enhusiastically i walked into that staff room, and after a day of theroy based cinematics i came home thinking, "Im going to have to stop that luxary of sleeping". I mean seriously, i doubt ill have time to breate in the erotic aroma of 'gold blend' in the mornings im going to be that busy. Upto nine and a half hour shifts... as much as four to five times a week. It might not seem much to some people, but this is my first taste of actual work folks, and i think im gagging.

Im not too put off by it though, i mean i love a challenge and think im going to really enjoy this experience. Even so, some free time would be nice. Still at least im doing something now, and thats the main thing. I tell you, that first feeling of coming home, falling into your bed and thinking... ive just earned money today, is a great feeling. Though i know im sure that give a few weeks, days, hours, ill dispise it, and the place. For now im relishing it.

Let's be tired, shall we?

Sick of waiting, Queen takes Jack...

I am tired of waiting around for something to happen. I mean it's not happening. Nothing, Nada!

Sure ive got this lovely new job at the cinema's, but ive got to act now. The play is set now i need a script and a cast. We all have roles to play, but im sick of being backstage. Ive a ladder to success, now ive just got to climb it.

A feat easier said that done. I know ive got to break the mold ive caste over myself, but where to start??? Any ideas?

Im tired of being single too, but alas if anyting is my nemisis it be love, or shall we say, finding it. Then again, im so tempremental that being in a relationship might not be the best of ideas. I mean sure its nice, but personal time, space, STOP CALLING ME! is nice too. I don't think id be able to take that. I need my me time, and i need alot of it :/. Call me high maintenense, but just thinking about having someone constantly asking about my business like its their business is kinda infuriating. Then again, im a nosey parker myself, so i suppose id be being alittle hypocritical if i said that.

Im not sure exactly where im going, i used to be all over it, have a plan for everything. Now im lost, or not lost just confused. Why does the subject of love and relationships always have a way of 'evading' me. I mean, it's something i find easy to talk about for other people, being cupid. But for myself, it's different, difficult. I guess i get my slings and arrows from the dumpster.

I wish things were clear, i wish i could look through the glass and see my future for certain, instead im looking through frosted windows where nothing in for sure.

Maybe one day, if i keep at it and not let these things get to me, things will work themselves out. But i know for one thing, if i carry on like i always do, ill still be in this place years from now.

Scary thought, no?

Le Creme De La Croc...

It's not often that you get second chances... OK, let me rephrase'

It's not often 'I' get second chances, and believe me i've been in need of some. But alas there's been few fruit's from my labour.. until now. Or more specifically, the other day 'Friday', when i got the call ive been longing.

Im rather excited im not too sure where to begin, 'The beginging?' Al-right then ^^, SO!

For the past few months ive had, shall we say, a spot of bad luck. Well when i say spot i mean Vat! and when i say bad i mean worse. What with being kicked out of college for reasons which were entirely, partially not my fault... Well things have ben abit down in the dumps, so in a more often than not 'fruitless' attempt to salvage something from a meager existance i tried to attain employment. A feat not so easily accomplished ill have you know.
Anyway, after my 100th 'Im sorry to inform you' e-mail, letter, slap bang in my face rejection, It seemed that i was getting nowhere, and i was getting there fast. Thankfully though, in my darkest hour (not really, but i love the drama ^^) one of my friends decided to enquire about getting me a small job with her at the local football ground. On first hearing this i failed to stop myself recoiling but it was all in good spirits, and i knew id have to start at the bottom to get anywhere near my goals, even if they are meadiocor for the time being.
The job itself is quite straightforward, serve pissed angry costumers and look happy about it. I'll tell you now those customers usually are pissed and angry and im rarely looking happy about anything, but its all 'perks of the job'. Hmm.

Now with a few weeks experience of serving shit to shitty people, i tried and applied (once more) into getting a job at Vue cinemas as a guest assistant, i job ive wanted for some time because i believe its a place i can truely 'enjoy'. After two weeks silence i got a phone call confirming my interview (screams) which went well, really well. The nice man through loads of complicated questions at me hoping to through me off balance only to have me go into a rant about quality customer service, and him end up writing way more than i thought possible on such small amounts of paper. I left the interview some what uneasy, he did write alot, it couldnt all be bad...

Alas the finale of this tale happened a few days ago, when i got a call saying id gotten the job, the reason im so enthralled about it is simple, it's my ladder out of a dark hole. Id been walking down this same old road for some time, tripped and fell into a rut with no plusable means of escape.. until now. This might seem like an ordinary job, but even an ordinary job can grant extraordinary oppertunites, and im not letting mine pass me by. :)